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Name: Horse chestnuts.

History: Brought into the UK 409 years ago.

Look: The outdoor world's collectible doll.

That can't be accurate. It is. Go and watch a social media video of someone unboxing a conker, and you’ll probably hear them refer to it as “the earth's Labubu”.

Unboxing conkers? What on Earth are you talking about? Oh wow, you really are not up to date, aren’t you? Gen Zers are using social platforms to film themselves removing conkers from their spiky capsules.

But why? Due to the sense of wonder! When you unbox a conker, you can't predict what you’re going to get. Will it be big? Will it be flat? How shiny will it be? It is like a mystery box every time!

Do Labubu dolls share those traits? No, they’re vaguely hellish-looking dolls that have become collectible because they are sold in mystery boxes.

Would someone inform the younger crowd that they’re not using conkers correctly? Is that so? How do you do conkers, then?

Thread a lace through the center, and try to break others' nuts. Wow, really? That’s bizarre.

Yes. You’ll have a much better chance of winning if you leave it in vinegar and then heat it in the oven. Seriously?

Truly. And if you end up collecting too many conkers, you can toss them in the schoolyard and all the other kids will fight each other for them. A beautiful, natural thing like a conker, and you use it as a weapon? A weapon that comes with a lengthy list of arcane and bewildering rules?

That's the custom! The King recently awarded the global conker competition with a gift of 300 conkers! At least gen Z is only filming them.

Why don’t you know this? At a guess, because certain schools prohibited the game two decades ago, due to concerns over well-being.

Today's society always surprises. Maybe revealing horse chestnuts just doesn't appeal to you. In which case, perhaps you would be better suited to some other hot new youth fads.

Oh really? Like what? Well, there’s this thing called yarn work, and something else called pottery that I can explain to you.

We’ve had knitting and pottery for centuries! Let me guess, you boil the needles in cider and then use them to jab one another?

Certainly not! OK, relax. I assumed that all older generation's pastimes involved violence in some form, after that conker thing.

I feel stressed. Take a breath. If you need me, I’ll be opening plant seeds online.

Appropriate comment: “TikTok can’t stop filming conker reveals.”

Don’t say: “This is nuts.”